am I broken?



I'm beginning to think I am broken in some way. If you read my last posting, you know that my life is really looking up lately. The only things that have happened since my 2 date Saturday night is I've gone to work and I talked with date number 1 last night on the phone. We chatted for almost an hour and a half. I take it as a really good sign if someone actually WANTS to talk to me that long. Another thing that happened while we talked, she let me know that her weekend was booked up and we wouldn't be able to go out. But, SHE then said she was free each weeknight this week. So, again, she was indicating that she WANTED to see me sooner, rather than later. Again, I take that as a really good sign. So, today rolls around. I go to work. I come home. I send her an email with the name of the place and location for Thursday night. She does email me back, late, and says that good but it will have to be an hour later. I'm cool with that. So, now the "I'm broken" part of the posting. Why do I feel so down in the dumps all of a sudden? Is it just me expecting the worst? Have I been shit on so much in my life that I am unable to actually feel anything good? I know, I know.... see a shrink. I'm just really feeling a sinking of everything right now. Like I'm just being set up to be shoved right back down to where I'm usually at. Of course, it doesn't help that the girl I went out with and that I really like is soooo friggin' attractive. I just can't help but think "What the hell is she doing hanging out with me???". I'm not saying that I'm not a GREAT guy, because I am a GREAT guy. But, she could have anyone she wanted. And, I can only HOPE that it might be me. Oh, another thing that doesn't help is knowing she wants to take things slow. She isn't necessarily looking for a "relationship". She is getting out of a disasterous one. So, she doesn't want to leap until she has spent plenty of time looking and checking the guy out. I don't know if I can stand the evaluation. I'm sure she will see that she can do better and just move on. I know, pathetic that I need someone else to make me feel worth anything. And, since I'm soooo lonely, I don't get that. I have to admit, if this falls through... OK, like I haven't said it over and over and over again. Nothing will happen. If things don't work out, nothing will happen. As much as I would prefer death over the feelings that will come, I'm just too big of a pussy to actually kill myself. I mean, I talk a good game at times. Of course, I'm only talking that game to myself for the most part. Let's be real, nobody actually reads these blog postings. Especially none of my friends. I stopped giving this web address out a long, long time ago. Although, I did actually give it to the girl I dated that I like. I had a card with my name, email address and phone number on it, but, I had also written this web address. I didn't have any other cards to give her with my phone number. So, hopefully she won't read anything I've posted here. I asked her not too. Of course, that usually just makes a person want to go do it since they were asked not to. Well Kit, if you are reading this, shame on you! And, please call and let me know you don't wish to see me again. I really hate having anyone just disappear. At least if I'm told, I won't waste time wondering. I can jump straight to curling up in a ball and wishing God would do what I am unable to do.