am I broken?



I'm beginning to think I am broken in some way. If you read my last posting, you know that my life is really looking up lately. The only things that have happened since my 2 date Saturday night is I've gone to work and I talked with date number 1 last night on the phone. We chatted for almost an hour and a half. I take it as a really good sign if someone actually WANTS to talk to me that long. Another thing that happened while we talked, she let me know that her weekend was booked up and we wouldn't be able to go out. But, SHE then said she was free each weeknight this week. So, again, she was indicating that she WANTED to see me sooner, rather than later. Again, I take that as a really good sign. So, today rolls around. I go to work. I come home. I send her an email with the name of the place and location for Thursday night. She does email me back, late, and says that good but it will have to be an hour later. I'm cool with that. So, now the "I'm broken" part of the posting. Why do I feel so down in the dumps all of a sudden? Is it just me expecting the worst? Have I been shit on so much in my life that I am unable to actually feel anything good? I know, I know.... see a shrink. I'm just really feeling a sinking of everything right now. Like I'm just being set up to be shoved right back down to where I'm usually at. Of course, it doesn't help that the girl I went out with and that I really like is soooo friggin' attractive. I just can't help but think "What the hell is she doing hanging out with me???". I'm not saying that I'm not a GREAT guy, because I am a GREAT guy. But, she could have anyone she wanted. And, I can only HOPE that it might be me. Oh, another thing that doesn't help is knowing she wants to take things slow. She isn't necessarily looking for a "relationship". She is getting out of a disasterous one. So, she doesn't want to leap until she has spent plenty of time looking and checking the guy out. I don't know if I can stand the evaluation. I'm sure she will see that she can do better and just move on. I know, pathetic that I need someone else to make me feel worth anything. And, since I'm soooo lonely, I don't get that. I have to admit, if this falls through... OK, like I haven't said it over and over and over again. Nothing will happen. If things don't work out, nothing will happen. As much as I would prefer death over the feelings that will come, I'm just too big of a pussy to actually kill myself. I mean, I talk a good game at times. Of course, I'm only talking that game to myself for the most part. Let's be real, nobody actually reads these blog postings. Especially none of my friends. I stopped giving this web address out a long, long time ago. Although, I did actually give it to the girl I dated that I like. I had a card with my name, email address and phone number on it, but, I had also written this web address. I didn't have any other cards to give her with my phone number. So, hopefully she won't read anything I've posted here. I asked her not too. Of course, that usually just makes a person want to go do it since they were asked not to. Well Kit, if you are reading this, shame on you! And, please call and let me know you don't wish to see me again. I really hate having anyone just disappear. At least if I'm told, I won't waste time wondering. I can jump straight to curling up in a ball and wishing God would do what I am unable to do.

Things are looking up

Well, well, well.... who woulda thunk it? THINGS ARE LOOKING UP! There are actually good things happening in my life. This year really seems to be a turning point for me. First off, I have a new job. And, the best part about having the new job is that it came with a big pay increase. We are talking about more than a 20K annual raise. Now that actually isn't good news, that is excellent news. So, I've been feeling pretty good about that. I've only been on the job for 3 weeks, but, it is a completely different experience. I have things I've never had before. I have a company laptop. I have a company credit card. I spent last week in California on business. I had never had to travel for business before. So, big differences. And, all good differences. So, my professional life is looking up. And, my financial life is looking up. So, one of my closest friends decides my "love" life needs to be worked on. She places a personal ad in Craigslist to get me a date. I'll admit, at first it wasn't going to well. She was going to surprise me, but, because of circumstances, she had to spill the beans and tell me what she was up to. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that I have a friend that cares about ME that much. To go to that much trouble to place an ad and respond to the replies and "screen" them all. My hat goes off to her. But, the first weekend that I was going to meet the first person that responded, there was an email problem and the girl didn't get the message saying when and where. So, no date that weekend. Then the next weekend, there was a change of plans on Thursday night. So, two weekends in a row that I was expecting to have a date, I didn't have one. So, weekend number three rolls around. My friend lets me know that she has accidentally overbooked me. I have 2 dates for Saturday night. Uh-Oh! OK, not really. I meet my first date at the British Rose. She is more than I could have wished for. Right from the beginning, I'm completely at ease. Maybe I've spent so many years of my life fretting about making a mistake or saying something stupid on any dates I had, it is time that I've outgrown it. This date just seemed like 2 old friends sitting down and catching up. We "clicked" on so many levels it was just strange. But, strange in a really good way. By the time she had to leave, my face was hurting from so much smiling and laughing. So, shortly after she leaves, my friend shows up and she has my 2nd date with her. They had went to my buddies comedy show first. So, it actually worked out really, really well. No overlapping dates. And, to be truthful, the 2nd date did know I had a first date and that she might have still been there when they showed up. Another good thing, in my eyes, is that the 2nd date is NOT someone that I wish to persue anything with. I don't feel we "clicked" at all. So, I have NO conflict with who I wish to ask out for a 2nd date.

So, in a nutshell, I am on top of the world right now!