Highly Anticipated: NEW POSTING


OK, maybe not "highly" anticipated. Well, probably not even "anticipated". I'm actually starting to think that I'm the only one that even still reads any of my postings. If that is the case, then TO HELL WITH YOU ALL!!! JUST KIDDING. Actually, I don't care if anyone else is reading these or not. I'm writing them for me. Just to get my thoughts and feelings out. If I'm the only person on this whole planet that cares about my thoughts and feelings, then, so be it. And who knows? I could have lots of people that check out my blog daily, just waiting for each and every new posting. Yeah, I'm sure that's the case. Hahaha.

I guess this posting is gonna catch everyone up from last weekend. OK, we will start with Tuesday night.

Tuesday - I met my comedian buddy at the Tuesday karaoke place. I sang a total of 6 songs. They were all songs I haven't done before. I sang: Garth Brooks - Ireland; Kiss - Love Gun & Shout It Out Loud; Tom Petty - Don't Do Me Like That; Alice Cooper - Generation Landslide; & ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man (done as a duet w/comedian buddy). For part of the evening, we were sitting with an attractive young lady that is a semi-regular. I've been giving some thought to maybe actually seeing if she would like to go out with me some time. She pretty much erased those thoughts however when she pointed out another regular that walked in and said he is her "ex". That by itself isn't the problem. The problem is that her "ex" is a tall, dark & handsome younger guy. So, there is no way she would go out with a shorter, older, pale & not-so-handsome guy. So, she is off my list of "possible ladies to persue". I actually had a pretty good evening all things considered. And I did get some good news. My comedian buddy IS going to be available to go out on Friday night (tonight) after all.

Wednesday - nothing exciting happened. I took a half day of vacation so I didn't have to get up early.

Thursday - I took a half day vacation again today. I was on the computer for way too long on Wednesday evening/night. I went in and worked my 4 hours. Then we had our workout. I can definately say I've developed a full crush on trainer. After class, as we were putting up all the weights/etc, she gave me a hug. God was I torn. I wanted to just hug her back so tightly. Of course then I would have wanted to kiss her. Instead I went with just barely putting my arms around her at all. Kinda the "disinterested" return hug. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but, I think the safest thing to do, all things considered.

Friday - OK, it is my lunch break now. Tonight is Ben's Half Yard House for a thing called "Fuck your buddy". It is put on by a local radio station. Very cool. Last one we went to (2 weeks ago I think) we saw lots of boobies. Mmmmmm, boobies...... I'll make sure to tell you all about tonight later.

Life still sucks



OK, here it is, Sunday evening. The weekend is over. After spending all week last week looking forward to this weekend, what did I accomplish? OK, I don't really expect to accomplish much each weekend. The one thing I really want to happen each weekend is that I will meet a special girl that likes me and maybe we can date and have a relationship. I know, I know, not asking for much, am I? I'm not expecting all that to happen in a weekend, just the "meet a special girl" part. That's all. Just meet a girl. You already know where this is going. If you have read ANY of my prior posts, you know I don't meet people. OK, occasionally I do. Those times are only to fool me into thinking that I really do have a chance. We both know that I don't. Never did, never will. If I can ever get that beaten into my thick skull, maybe I can actually move forward with my life.

Alright, rewind. Saturday night. Ben's Half Yard House. Karaoke. The place was really crowded. Lot's of very attractive females. Lot's of really good singers. My comedian buddy met me there. We sat. I ate Queso & chips and drank Dr. Pepper. I had done enough drinking on Friday night. If I had run into any ladies that I needed to loose some of my shyness with, I would have had a few drinks. My buddy sang. He did really well. And that was it. No "love connection". No phone number. No "Hi, how's it going?". Nothing. So, another wasted evening. Oh, I also got the bad news that my buddy isn't gonna be available to go out next Friday night. So, either I go out alone, like a loser that doesn't have any friends, OR, I sit at home. Either way I'm not gonna meet anyone, so, I'll probably opt to saving a few bucks and crying myself to sleep at home. You'll get a post to read about it either way, I'm sure.

Since I haven't mentioned Friday evening, here is the 411 on that night. My comedian buddy met me at Ben's Half Yard House. They had a band. Pretty good. I drank. I drank alot. Didn't meet anyone. End of evening.

Another thing I should mention. No "Goth Girl" either night at Ben's. Now I have to wait until next weekend for the slim chance of seeing her again. Yep, I'll keep my fingers crossed on that.


So, as I said, another wasted weekend.

F R I D A Y !!!



Man has it taken a long time to get here. This week has felt like it was a month. Between a heavy workload and extra activities after work, I've been a busy puppy this week. My work load just passed the "heavy" part. The rest of the month is a lighter load for me. I do have to come in to work tomorrow however. That's OK, it will be O/T. And it is extra stuff, not my normal work. I think some filing and some putting things where they belong, etc. Not exactly sure to tell ya the truth.

I bought Sammy Hagar tickets this morning. He is gonna be at the "Vodkaplex" in June. That will be a great show. Sammy always does put on a great show.

Still feeling those post birthday blues. I would say I'm having a mid-life crisis, but, I don't think this qualifies. To me, when a man has a mid-life crisis, it is because he has settled into a comfortable life and is still longing for some excitement. He has a wife, kids, a home, a decent job, etc. He just longs for something exciting like to be with a younger girl or to recapture his youth with a sports car or something along those lines. If that is the case, I don't fit that criteria. I don't have the wife, I don't have the kids, I don't have the home, and my job is barely decent. So here I am at middle age and I haven't accomplished anything. Yep, really feeling good now.

Some good news to offset the last paragraph, I'm still hunting for a condo. I'm not jumping into anything too quickly. That will be good. I'll have an OK job and a home. I'll just need the wife and kids. I'll be half way there.

Last night during our workout that I'm part of here at work, I noticed something. I'm starting to have trouble talking with our trainer like I used to. I guess because I'm VERY single and she is now single, I'm starting to see her in a new light. I really don't think I should go that direction however. First, all my relationships always CRASH & BURN. Second, when they do, I have trouble being around the person that I was with. It is probably an immaturity thing. I just have trouble being around someone that I've been with and it didn't work out. It just feels awkward to me. But, she is looking really good! I think I know her fairly well also and I don't know that we share enough interests. Maybe some day I will explore that avenue, but, for now I don't think I should.

HAPPY F*CKING BIRTHDAY TO ME




Another day older. Another day closer to death. Well, it isn't that everyone forgot it. My Mom remembered. My sister and her family remembered. And, I got a card at work. So, I wasn't forgotten. I sure don't feel happy about another birthday however. Just another lonely day.

I've been looking forward to this coming weekend all week now. And it is only for one reason really. Goth girl. I'm really wanting to see her and talk to her again. And ya know, if I don't see her this weekend, I'm gonna be really down. Pretty pathetic.

Oh well, enough for now. Later.

No catchy title today


OK, nothing much going on today. Just work, work, work. I ditched going to karaoke last night. I just could NOT do it. On Monday night, after posting my last blog entry, I stayed on the computer and got into the Yahoo chat rooms. Sometimes I just have no self control. I should have posted then went to bed, but NOOOOOOOO. I did finally go to bed.... a few hours later. Ouch! Tuesday I was a tired puppy. OK, let's actually go with exhausted puppy. So, no going out last night. Tonight is the other movie screening that I'm gonna go to. Just gotta love free stuff. Hahaha. I hardly ever go to the movies (I hate going alone), so, going twice in one week is really cool. I also get to call photographer buddy tonight. On the radio, they announced a concert date for Sammy Hagar. Tickets are going on sale this week, so, I need to find out what he wants to do. I usually call in and get tickets as soon as they go on sale. Try to keep us from ending up on the lawn seating.

Not much of anything else going on. Just counting down to my Birthday tomorrow. I'm kinda hoping that everyone forgets about it. It is SO much easier to go "Woe is me" when things like that happen. We will see.

V for Vendetta



Awesome movie. My comedian buddy, his daughter & I got tickets to the sneak peek. VERY good. I love when a movie pulls me in so completely that I think of absolutely nothing other than the movie itself while watching it. This movie did just that. Prior to the movie actually starting, I was looking around the theatre at the females in the audience. I noticed a few that were attractive. Nothing to go into any detail about. Once the movie started, all thoughts of loneliness quickly left my head. Another cool thing, while standing in line waiting to go into the theatre, we were given passes to see "the Zodiac" on Wednesday. Looks like my plate is full this week.

Army chick


I mentioned in an earlier posting that I had dated someone this year. Now I'm finally gonna post about her.

Friday 1/13/06: It was the 2nd Friday in January. My buddy & I went to the bar that only does karaoke on the 2nd Friday of each month. Feeling a bit down, I proceeded to drink a bit more than I should have during the evening. We both sang and I had a REALLY GOOD time. It is amazing what enough alcohol can do. As karaoke drew to a close (karaoke goes from 8:30 to 11:30) I was scanning the bar and loudly asking my buddy about some of the different females I was seeing. My buddy later told me he had never really been around me when I had drank that much and gotten that loud. One girl that I asked him about was "Army chick". OK, I asked him about a certain girl in the bar, and all he could tell me about her was that she was in the Army. So, Army chick. She was over by the bar with another female friend of hers talking with some people. So, my buddy and I went over to the bar and joined into some of the conversations. Army chick was talking with another guy. I had never seen him in the bar, he wasn't a regular. But Army chick and new guy were really clicking. They had both been drinking and were already talking about getting married. WOW, how can I compete with that? So, I turned around and took a step or two and found myself in a conversation with 2 very fine ladies and another guy. I chatted with them for maybe 10 minutes or so and then turned around again to see what my buddy was doing. I heard Army chick and new guy talking and he was getting ready to leave. He was going to bring Army chick and her friend home since neither of them should be driving at that point. However, Army chicks friend didn't want to leave just yet. So, I again turned around and chatted a bit more with the 2 ladies. Now, these 2 ladies were very fine, but, very much out of my league. And I knew this. Everything about them said they were unattainable by me. A few minutes of chatting and I turned to go over to my buddy, assuming Army chick and new guy have already left. To my amazement, Army chick is still standing there. New guy is nowhere to be seen. So, I move back into a conversation with Army chick. Seems new guy went ahead and left since Army chick and her friend didn't want to go. OK, new guy... STUPID! When you have a girl that seems interested, you don't bail if she doesn't want to leave. Even I have learned that lesson. Army chick and I chat for awhile and somewhere outta my alcoholic state of mind, I ask for her phone number. I am 40 years old and I have NEVER gotten a phone number from a girl at a bar before. I was amazed when she said yes and got a slip of paper and started writing her number down. We chatted some more that night and I even mentioned that I had 2 tickets to the Bon Jovi concert that Sunday and nobody to go with. I asked if she would like to go and she said she would love to go. She asked me to call her on Sunday, not on Saturday or it would be too soon. We chatted some more then we both went our separate ways as the time ticked by. But I had a phone number!

Sunday 1/15/06: Today is the Bon Jovi concert. It is also the first day I get to find out if the phone number I was given is actually her phone number. I also get to find out if she even remembers me at all. She had been drinking remember. So, I give her a call and it goes into voice mail. OK, it was her voice and she did say it was her name, so, at least it is her phone number. I left a message. A few hours later, I called again. After all, there is a concert tonight and I need to make sure she still wants to go and find out where to pick her up at and what time. Again I get voice mail. Now I'm starting to think she is seeing a strange number calling and either doesn't remember me or doesn't want to talk to me. A little later I give her one more call. Again, voice mail. Since I'm unable to get ahold of Army chick, I go ahead and call a buddy of mine (photographer buddy). He is unable to go to the concert. So, I go ahead and get ready and head to the concert. I was unable to sell my extra ticket, so I just ate that cost. The concert was FANTASTIC. Of course, throughout, I keep thinking of the fact that I had to go alone. Couldn't find anyone willing to go with me. I still left the concert feeling upbeat. I had a pretty good time. As I'm walking to my car, my cell phone rings. I answer and it is Army chick. She had left that morning to visit family and accidentally left her phone at her apartment. She remembered being asked to do something that evening, but, couldn't remember what. She had just gotten home and got my messages. Very apologetic that she missed the concert and forgot her phone. Now I was on cloud nine. It didn't matter that she had missed the concert. She hadn't blown me off. We chatted for awhile as I drove home and made plans to meet the next day.

Monday 1/16/06: OK, if memory serves me correctly, this was a holiday. I was off work. Army chick had a doctors appt that day, but, called to see if I wanted to go to the IKEA store with her. Then because of the timing of her appt, we changed those plans and decided to meet for an early dinner at Spaghetti Warehouse. She was there a bit before I was and had already gotten a table and had a glass of wine she was working on. I joined her and we finally were able to sit face to face, both sober and chat for awhile. It was a nice, casual "meet and greet". Neither of us actually called this our first date. Just a chance to sit and find out a bit about each other.

Friday 1/20/06: Our first date. I like to make sure I have first dates planned so I can make a decent impression on my date. Tonight was no exception. I had stopped at my florist and gotten 3 red roses in a vase. I arrived at her apartment on time and presented her with the roses. She had 2 glasses of wine poured, so I sat and we drank a bit of wine and chatted a bit. We left her place and headed to our destination. We were going to the Pocket Sandwich Theatre. We got there, got seated and ordered our food. We ate and chatted and I felt things were going pretty good. She ordered a pitcher of Sangria for herself. Since I was driving and since I didn't want to get drunk and act like an ass, I was just drinking soda. The play was fantastic and, as always, lots of fun. At the 2nd intermission, Army chick ordered a 2nd pitcher of Sangria. When we left, there was about a third of the pitcher still on the table. I took that as a good sign. Unlike my last date partner, Army chick knows when to stop drinking. So, the play comes to an end and we are headed to her place. She has class in the morning, so, it can't be a late night. On the way home, she isn't feeling very well. She had a bit too much to drink. So, when we get to her place I escort her in. I want to make sure she is OK and gets inside etc. I put her leftovers in the fridge for her and I undo her necklace when she asks me for help. Because I know it cannot be a late night and I know she has been drinking, I'm not expecting or trying for anything to happen. She walks me to the door and as I'm holding the door open with my body, we move in for our goodnight kiss and hug. The kiss passes the goodnight peck timing. Hmmmm. OK, I'm gonna go with it. She didn't appear really drunk since we got back to her place, so, maybe she does know what she is doing. The kissing and touching continue. She pulls me closer inside and the door closes behind me. Wow, very nice. Our hands keep roaming over each other and our lips never part. Here is where I will say that things progressed into the bedroom. And, I will also say that never before in my life have I been part of the "trail of clothing from the front door to the bedroom". NEVER IN MY LIFE. Well, this night, I was. I'm not going to go into detail about what transpired in the bedroom. Other than to say that, for me, it was one of the best sexual experiences I've ever had. I did ask her if I had gotten her off and she responded with "5 times". It was a lengthy, very pleasurable, experience. When I finally gathered up all my clothing and left her apartment, I was on top of the world. Life could not have been better for me.

1/21/06 through 2/13/06: During these days, we did see each other for more dates and some get togethers. We went to a movie. I met her at Target for some shopping. We went dancing at Cowboys Red River. I stopped on the way home from work and picked us up dinner and brought it to her place. We talked on the phone fairly often. She would call me in the morning while driving to work. We talked in the afternoons. However, I was getting extremely mixed signals from her during this time. For instance, when we were out dancing. She told me that I was calling her too often. She also told me I needed to calm down. I was being too nervous and was driving her crazy. She also said "Next time we go dancing, we can go to Cowboys Arlington and get a hotel room and spend the night". Now, to me, those are mixed signals. Another mixed signal time was when we talked on a Sunday and she invited me over. I stopped and grabbed myself something to eat since she was eating when we talked. I got over, sat at the kitchen table and ate my stuff. We went into her bedroom so I could show her some pictures on a website. I went back and sat at the kitchen table and she came out of the bedroom and said "We can sit on the couch, it will be more comfortable.". OK, to me, that is a good thing. Sit next to each other. More contact. Hold hands, etc. We sat down, she had the TV on. She pulled a blanket over herself. Her arm on my side was outside the blanket, so, I reached over and held hands with her. Then her phone rang and she had to get up to answer it. She kept the conversation short and came back and sat down. Again, she covered herself with the blanket, however, this time her arm was NOT outside the blanket. OK, to me, that is a bad thing. She didn't want to hold hands, so, she took that option away from me. Maybe I was just over analyzing these days. But, all these times we saw each other, the most we did physically was a hug and peck when I was leaving.

Tuesday 2/14/06: OK, Valentines day. Big day. Leading up to this day was a rollercoaster. She normally has class on Tuesday evenings. The week before, I had asked her about this and she said she would skip class so we could do something. Very nice. I made some plans, made the reservations and all. Then on Monday evening, she calls to say she found out they were having a test in class and she couldn't miss it after all. So, I had already stopped and bought a couple cards and a stuffed animal. Now I wasn't gonna see her at all on Valentines day. On Tuesday while I'm at work, she calls me again. She was going to be studying for another test after class on Tuesday, but, she knows that material well enough, so, I can come over Tuesday evening after her class. O-boy. I run home from work and stop at the grocery store and buy some flowers. My florist is closed at the time I get home from work so, this is the best I can do on such short notice. I get everything ready and I head out Tuesday night. I stop at our normal, 2nd Friday karaoke bar where we met, on the way to have a few drinks before going to her place. I need to calm my nerves. I have a few drinks, then I head over. I'm there for about a hour and a half or so. She gives me a card and a small stuffed animal. Nothing too romantic or anything. I give her the flowers, my 2 cards and the stuffed animal. The stuffed animal is one where you squeeze the paw and it makes sounds. I also brought cookies for us to snack on. We sit, talk, watch a bit of TV. Then it is time for me to leave, she has to work the next day. Another hug and peck at the door. I leave her place and head to meet my buddy at our Tuesday night karaoke place. I was feeling pretty good about the evening, all in all. I still don't know why I was. Nothing special happened. We had a fairly good time at karaoke. I sang 3 songs I had never sang before. Had several more drinks. A very good evening.

Sunday 2/16/06: When last I saw Army chick, she had said she was probably going out of town that coming weekend. So, since I had previously been told I called too much, I didn't call all week after Valentines day. I called her home number on Sunday, midday. I got her voice mail and left a message.

Monday 2/17/06: Today was a holiday. I wasn't sure if Army chick was still out of town or if she had to be back and work today. So, I called her home number again today and left another voice mail message.

Tuesday 2/28/06: OK, it has been 2 weeks since we saw each other. I've had zero contact with her. I stopped at the bar where we met to have a few drinks on my way to meet my buddy for our Tuesday night karaoke. Army chick was there. I didn't go say hi or anything. I wasn't sure that she even knew I was there. I had my few drinks and left.

Saturday 3/11/06: I have had no contact with Army chick since Valentines day. Nada. Zip. Nothing. So, I called her today. I apologized to her about not saying hi on the Tuesday that I saw her. She said her friend told her I was there but, she only saw my backside leaving when she went to look for me. I told her I hadn't felt like dealing with anyone because I was in a bad mood. I was having trouble dealing with how she ended things with me without even telling me or returning any phone calls. She just said that when she gets stressed, she pulls away from everyone and hides within herself. Yeah, right..... I'm not stupid. OK, I am stupid, but, I'm not THAT stupid. If you have ANY feelings for a person, you don't just cut them loose without any contact at all.

So, another one stabs me though the heart. I REALLY felt like she was "the one". I know it was a fairly short period of time we dated, but, it just felt so right to me.

Oh, wait. I forgot. Here was one of the best things she said to me on Valentines day. She said she felt she had taken advantage of me. I asked how. She said sexually. On our first date. That night she just really needed it and she felt she took advantage of me. So, now I'm left with the knowledge that it WASN'T ME AT ALL. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I really did mean absolutely nothing to Army chick.

Live and learn. Valuable lessons learned this time. First, even if I have sex with someone, she may still feel nothing towards me. Second, that's what I get for trying again. Just more heartache. Third, enough alcohol and the pain fades away for brief periods of time. Maybe I should give some real thought into becoming an alcoholic.

Oh, just an FYI: My prior post titled "The Dream" was written while seeing Army chick. And now in hindsight, it looks like I could have left out "Ending 1".

Ben's Half Yard House


Don't know why I'm not calling places by there actual names. It isn't like someone is gonna stalk me if they know where I hang out at. Shit, that might even be some excitement added to my life. OK, just got home from karaoke tonight at Ben's Half Yard House. I didn't sing anything. After last night, I wasn't really in the singing mood. At least not on stage in front of people. I got there about 9:30. I really wanted some of their Queso and the last couple times I've been, it was too late to order food. I called ahead today to see when the kitchen closed. So, I had plenty of time to eat. I ordered my Queso and got me a rum & coke and got the evening started. By evenings end I had 2 orders of the Queso and 9 rum & cokes. After my first drink, I changed to doubles. My buddy showed up around 11:30. He is a comedian and he had a show tonight. So, he showed up after his show. He did sing one song and actually won the evenings contest. $50 bucks in Ben's Bucks. He is a really good singer, so, it was nice to see him recognized as such. There were sooooo many attractive females in the place it was not even funny. For not looking anymore, I sure was looking. OK, just with my eyes. I'm not the "approach a stranger" kind of guy. I was actually approached by one girl, Goth girl from here on. She had been sitting at a booth near us the whole night and was really loaded. She was a typical Goth girl. Black clothing, multiple piercings on her ears, tattoo running down one arm, etc. But, she was attractive. She came over to me around 1:30 and put her arm around me and said she noticed me sitting there all alone all evening. My buddy was in the restroom at the time. She invited me over to her table. I told her as soon as my buddy came back, we would move over. She disappeared before my buddy came back and I didn't see her the rest of the night. Now I want to keep going back each weekend to look for her. I doubt she would even remember talking to me. She was pretty drunk. But, she is my best chance right now. So, I'm sure you will be hearing more tales from Ben's Half Yard House in my upcoming postings.

Now, this wasn't too downbeat, was it??? Not full of self-pity???

Something to make you smile.







OK, I'm sure that everyone that stops by to read any of my postings would LOVE to find something within one of them to make you actually smile. Sorta like how I go through my life. I go through all the bad times for those 2 or 3 minutes each week where I run across something that actually makes ME smile. So, without further rambling on my part....

Some jokes:





Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain

• OKLAHOMO
• HIGH NOONER
• THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
• JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
• POLESMOKE
• BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
• THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
• HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
• THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
• DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
• VERY RAW HIDE
• LONESOME DOUG
• A FISTFUL OF NED
• HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
• QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
• BAREBACK MOUNTING
• BONE-NANZA
• DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
• HOME ON THE RANGER
• ROOSTER COCKBURN
• PRANCES WITH WOLVES
• BALONEY PONY RODEO
• TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
  
  

UNITED STATES REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 5,000-man elite

fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,

Oklahoma, Tennesse and Texas troopers will be dropped into Iraq and

have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY...

1. I don't think I want a gun rack in my truck, they are just too tacky.
2. Elvis who?
3. Go outside to spit.
4. The death sentence?! That's a little harsh don't you think?

OK, before anyone thinks I'm bashing anyone or any group... THESE WERE JUST JOKES. I will gladly (and often) make fun of myself also. PLEASE don't take any of these seriously.

Saturday morning already.

OK, It is 12:44. I just got home from karaoke. Tonight was at a place that only has karaoke on the 2nd Friday of each month. This is the place that really introduced me to karaoke.

Let me back up a bit. Me and a buddy of mine go to this karaoke each month. We look forward to it. The people are like family and it is always a fun experience. This week, another buddy of ours has free. His wife and her kids went out of town. He couldn't go because he had to work. So, he had let us know he was free this week to do stuff. He has also been to this same bar and said he would meet us there. Also, at work, myself and some others have a personal trainer come to our office each Thursday night and we have an hour long workout. She has been to this bar a couple times for karaoke and said she might make it. So, that is me, my normal karaoke buddy, my other married buddy, & my "very hot" personal trainer. So, in theory, I could have had 3 people I know, not counting regulars at the bar, with me tonight. Earlier this week, my married buddy called me to say he might not be able to make it Friday night. He is a photographer and had a shoot on Friday that was a good distance away. So, he wasn't sure he would even be back in town in time. OK, I've know him for awhile. What he was actually saying was that he was NOT going to make it Friday night. OK, one down. Trainer, trainer, trainer. She has a young son that cannot be left home alone. I gave her a 5o/50 chance of showing up at best. She hadn't committed to coming, just said maybe. So, now I'm down to just me and my normal Friday night buddy. Oh, wait, he left me a message on my phone today while I was at work. He wasn't feeling well, wasn't gonna make it to karaoke. OK, I (whom hates to go out alone) was now going out alone tonight. Not the worst night to do that, like I said, lots of regulars. I did have a few fears heading into tonight however. First, I stopped and bought 3 new karaoke discs on the way home from work today. I was gonna do a Garth Brooks song tonight for the very first time. I was gonna do "Ireland". Beautiful song. I've never practiced it, so, I was worried about that. Also, I was worried that the last girl I dated might be there. OK, I haven't told you about her yet (I promise, soon). I had met her at this bar for the January karaoke and she was there for the February karaoke. So, I was really nervous about the thought of seeing her again. Now, all this worry and a hot dog dinner (at the bar) and a few drinks had my stomach doing a very unpleasant dance. Needless to say, I wasn't at my best tonight. I did sing 2 songs. Knocked 'em dead with the first (Kiss - Detroit Rock City) and I didn't do so good on the 2nd (Van Halen - Why Can't This Be Love). My timing was off for the Van Halen song.

I've said before, I've stopped actively looking for anyone to date. That, once again, didn't stop me from scanning the room and "looking". One of the regulars, whom is a friend, moved over to my table with another female friend of hers. At first I thought she might be trying to set me up with the friend. I would have welcomed such a move on her part. But, 'twas not her intent. Her friend, though very attractive, was older than the age range I'm "looking" in. I know, I know, how can you possible be that picky??? I'm not really. But, I still have this delusion that I might actually find someone to have kids with. A couple more years and I'm sure I'll outgrown those stupid thoughts. So, let's just say she was out of my age range. Besides, she just saw me as a younger guy sitting at the same table. Wasn't any indications on her part that I was even a tiny possibility. And that's OK. I wasn't expecting to be. The girl I had dated didn't show up. Worried about that for nothing. There were a couple very attractive girls, but, both had wedding rings. And that was it. Nobody else in the whole place that was attractive to me and didn't have a man already with her. But, that's OK since I'm not really looking anymore. I will admit, it is very hard not to look every time I go out. The only way I could stick to my "not looking" would be if I was a hermit. Ya know, if I could find me a cabin in the woods where I could get all the TV I wanted and I could get online and buy things and have them shipped to me and I could have pizza & other food delivered, and I never had to leave it... that would be perfect. Something tells me that I'm not gonna find a place like that however.

So, I guess the basic point I'm making about tonight..... OK, I look forward to my weekends. Not because I do fun stuff. Nope. I get to sleep most of the weekend away. When I'm asleep, I'm not sad or lonely. I also have that stupid glimmer of hope that I will actually meet someone on Friday or Saturday nights. So, now this weekend is half over as far as meeting anyone. And nothing. Not even the faintest nibble.

Life sucks and then you die!

Well, at least I have the first part of that saying working for me. Now I just have to concentrate on the second part.

The Dream

(written 1/30/06)

Once again the dream returns,

I wake in the arms of my "one and only",

We are old and grey,

And each moment of life, a joy.

A lifetime of precious memories

The passion and happiness still alive,

I cannot help but smile,

And this is how I awake, only alone.

The smile quickly fades as reality returns,

I rise and go through my normal day.

Evening comes and again, out I go,

Always searching for my dream.

Somehow tonight it was "right place, right time",

Even from across the room I knew,

This was the girl from my dreams,

But even more beautiful than in my head.

I slowly approach her,

And things go really well,

Before long we are on a date,

And things couldn't be better.

Ending 1:

Now as I look back,

I realize I've lived my dream.

All the joy and happiness are ours,

And will be for all time.

Ending 2:

Now as I look back,

I realize the dream was only that.

For happiness would never return,

As I live out my final days.

3/8/2006 - Wednesday AM.

Man am I tired. Karaoke last night. Shut the place down. That means getting home and into bed at around 2:30 with an alarm set to go off at 5:30. I've done worse before. Doesn't make me any less tired today however.

It was a pretty fun evening. Every song I sang was one that I had never done before. So, that was real cool. I did get roped into doing a Bette Midler song. Myself and 3 other guys all did Bette songs back-to-back. I'm surprised we didn't empty the place out. Actually, the other 3 guys did pretty good. I went last of us 4 and I think I really stunk it up. I didn't really know the song that I did, and you could tell. Other than that, I did some Alice Cooper "Ballad of Dwight Fry" & "Raped and Freezin' " and some Kiss "Cold Gin" and "I Was Made For Loving You" and Stone Temple Pilots "Interstate Love Song". At least I didn't do too badly on those choices. The Kiss and Alice Cooper songs I actually have on my own karaoke disc's. I'm slowly working my way through all the songs I've bought.

Even though I've decided I'm never gonna find a girl and I'm never gonna be in a relationship again, I was keeping my eyes open. There were a few lovely ladies that I would have liked to meet. Of course, I didn't meet anyone. The 3 guys I was with are all pretty good looking guys, so, we would have to meet a table of 4 women for me to get one. There was a table of 3, but, they didn't really even want anything to do with us. There were also 2 girls together, but, they kept to themselves. There was one girl alone, until she was joined by a guy. There was another girl alone, but, she cut out early. And there was one girl that I had a real chance with. She was wasted. Unfortunately, she was with a guy. And, they are both regulars. She did sit in my lap for a few minutes while her guy was singing. Most physical contact I've had with a female in a couple months. It did feel really nice. Sigh..... Oh well, I'll have to make due with that until my next physical. I've got a female doctor. Ya know, it is really sad when you look forward to your yearly physical because the doctor is female and she will be touching you.

So, to recap: Had a few drinks. Got a buzz on. Sang some songs. Didn't meet anyone. Tired as hell today. Pretty much a carbon copy of last Tuesday and the Tuesday before and the Tuesday before, etc.

First ever blog posting!!

Wow.... my first ever blog. My first ever blog posting. OK, Yo peeps! No, too ethnic. Hmmmm, Howdy Y'all! Noooo, too southern. Hmmm, ok, ok, let's try this, How you doin'? Uh-oh, too cliche. All right, Hello everyone. I guess I can live with that.

Just to let everyone know, I do enjoy meeting new people and talking/chatting/emailing new people. So, please feel free to give me any comments you feel like posting.

Now I'm going to try to catch everyone up with my life. Specifically my love life. Or, more accurately, my lack-of-love life. I'll get a pic posted soon, but, until then, here is "me". I'm not the best looking guy on the planet. I don't have a really sexy body. I'm not rich. I'm not a man in uniform. I'm not a politician. I'm not a professional sports figure. I'm not a movie/TV star. I'm not a radio DJ. I'm not in any position of power. I'm not a real smooth talker. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty good guy. I treat women very good. I try hard to impress. I'm affectionate. I'm attentive. I'm faithful. I'm honest. I am a pretty good catch, all in all. However, it is finding a woman that actually thinks the same thing and is at least a little bit attractive to me. The good thing is, I'm not real picky when it comes to a women's looks.

As far as even meeting women goes... well, I don't have many friends and the ones I have are mostly married, have kids, or just recently got married and/or had a kid. So, I don't see them very often. Therefore, I don't get out as much as I used to. I hate going out alone. My friends also don't seem to have anyone to set me up with. I've asked and I've hinted, but, nothing. I'm not real good meeting people at work. For me, if things don't work out, I find it awkward to see that person on a regular basis. I go out on Fri & Sat nights almost every week. I also go out about every other Tuesday night. I go to karaoke with a friend on Tues nights. It's really tough to go out drinking and shut the place down on a week night however. But, I'm trying to expand my chances to meet people. I've done the online dating thing before and I actually do like it. I just hate spending the bucks and not getting anything to show for it. I even did the profile thing for e-harmony. I got to the end of it and I got a message "We are unable to match you with anyone", not "We don't currently have any matches for you". Basically, I don't fit into one of their neat little categories that they can match with other neat little categories of people. I'll admit, I was very disappointed. I had hoped they could do what I had been unable to do my entire adult life. So, in a nutshell, I just don't meet many people, especially females. I don't go out with my friends as often as I used to. I don't get set up by anyone. I don't meet anyone at work very often. I don't go to church (and I'm not going to start just to meet people). I'm not meeting anyone through online sites anymore. So, my chances are getting few and far between.

Now, here is an update of my recent dating horror's.

2001: I moved back to Texas in July. I didn't date anyone for the rest of the year because I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was too busy looking for a job, etc.

2002: I met a girl at work. We dated for about a month then she went back to her ex-boyfriend. Towards the end of the year, I met a girl through Match.com. We had 2 dates then she disappeared. She just stopped returning my phone calls and emails. After awhile, I got the message.

2003: I met another girl through Match. We dated for about a month and she went back to her ex-boyfriend.

2004: I met another girl through Match. We dated for about 3 or 4 months. Talked about moving in together. Took a vacation together. She called me a couple days after we got back and she said she didn't want to see me anymore. She didn't think we were right for each other. Later that year, I met a girl online through a free dating site. I know, big mistake. We dated for a couple weeks. Then she called me in the middle of the night asking if I could bring her to the bus station. She needed to go back "home" right away, her father was in the hospital. As we arrived at the bus station, she asked me what she should do if the money her mother wired to the bus station hadn't arrived. I know, SUCKER! Yep, I bought the bus ticket. I did get one email from her several weeks later. She wanted my home address so she could mail me the money. I gave her my work address and never heard or received anything from her. Later I met another girl through the same free site. She told me all about the guys she was meeting through the site just for sex. Of course, I wasn't included in anything physical with her. She did talk me into helping her move. Yep, SUCKER!! And she used me as a reference for a school loan. I didn't give her permission to use me that way. I still here from them occasionally regarding her unpaid loan.

2005: I met another girl through Match. We dated for a couple weeks then she decided that she wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. Then I met another girl through Match. We seemed to hit it off really well for the first couple months. There were some things that I didn't like (such as passing out several evenings, always having me stop on the way over and get her beer, having me stop to get her beer even after we had been out drinking, etc), but, I overlooked them and she always had excuses. Then one weekend when she stayed over at my place, the morning after she left, I found a bottle of rum (I had it since about 1998-ish when I took a Caribbean cruise, it was still unopened) empty hidden in my closet. She downed it while I was in the bathroom. I quickly realized she was an alcoholic. I confronted her with this and she denied it and said she still wanted to keep seeing me. However, she seemed more interested in going out with friends instead of me after that. We quickly faded away, but, not before she borrowed money from me. OK, here it comes... wait for it.... SUCKER!!!

2006: OK, I came into this year not looking to meet anyone. I've closed my Match account. Erased my account on the free site. I just cannot handle the lows that come with being dumped. Thinking I've found someone that I can actually be happy with, then having it all taken away from me. When I hit those lows, my mind starts telling me how I can avoid ever feeling like that again. But truthfully, I'm too much of a chicken to take that route. So, I'm done looking. I'm just going to have to find a way to live with being sad and lonely all the time.

Unfortunately, I did meet someone. I'll save that sob story for a later posting however.