am I broken?



I'm beginning to think I am broken in some way. If you read my last posting, you know that my life is really looking up lately. The only things that have happened since my 2 date Saturday night is I've gone to work and I talked with date number 1 last night on the phone. We chatted for almost an hour and a half. I take it as a really good sign if someone actually WANTS to talk to me that long. Another thing that happened while we talked, she let me know that her weekend was booked up and we wouldn't be able to go out. But, SHE then said she was free each weeknight this week. So, again, she was indicating that she WANTED to see me sooner, rather than later. Again, I take that as a really good sign. So, today rolls around. I go to work. I come home. I send her an email with the name of the place and location for Thursday night. She does email me back, late, and says that good but it will have to be an hour later. I'm cool with that. So, now the "I'm broken" part of the posting. Why do I feel so down in the dumps all of a sudden? Is it just me expecting the worst? Have I been shit on so much in my life that I am unable to actually feel anything good? I know, I know.... see a shrink. I'm just really feeling a sinking of everything right now. Like I'm just being set up to be shoved right back down to where I'm usually at. Of course, it doesn't help that the girl I went out with and that I really like is soooo friggin' attractive. I just can't help but think "What the hell is she doing hanging out with me???". I'm not saying that I'm not a GREAT guy, because I am a GREAT guy. But, she could have anyone she wanted. And, I can only HOPE that it might be me. Oh, another thing that doesn't help is knowing she wants to take things slow. She isn't necessarily looking for a "relationship". She is getting out of a disasterous one. So, she doesn't want to leap until she has spent plenty of time looking and checking the guy out. I don't know if I can stand the evaluation. I'm sure she will see that she can do better and just move on. I know, pathetic that I need someone else to make me feel worth anything. And, since I'm soooo lonely, I don't get that. I have to admit, if this falls through... OK, like I haven't said it over and over and over again. Nothing will happen. If things don't work out, nothing will happen. As much as I would prefer death over the feelings that will come, I'm just too big of a pussy to actually kill myself. I mean, I talk a good game at times. Of course, I'm only talking that game to myself for the most part. Let's be real, nobody actually reads these blog postings. Especially none of my friends. I stopped giving this web address out a long, long time ago. Although, I did actually give it to the girl I dated that I like. I had a card with my name, email address and phone number on it, but, I had also written this web address. I didn't have any other cards to give her with my phone number. So, hopefully she won't read anything I've posted here. I asked her not too. Of course, that usually just makes a person want to go do it since they were asked not to. Well Kit, if you are reading this, shame on you! And, please call and let me know you don't wish to see me again. I really hate having anyone just disappear. At least if I'm told, I won't waste time wondering. I can jump straight to curling up in a ball and wishing God would do what I am unable to do.

Things are looking up

Well, well, well.... who woulda thunk it? THINGS ARE LOOKING UP! There are actually good things happening in my life. This year really seems to be a turning point for me. First off, I have a new job. And, the best part about having the new job is that it came with a big pay increase. We are talking about more than a 20K annual raise. Now that actually isn't good news, that is excellent news. So, I've been feeling pretty good about that. I've only been on the job for 3 weeks, but, it is a completely different experience. I have things I've never had before. I have a company laptop. I have a company credit card. I spent last week in California on business. I had never had to travel for business before. So, big differences. And, all good differences. So, my professional life is looking up. And, my financial life is looking up. So, one of my closest friends decides my "love" life needs to be worked on. She places a personal ad in Craigslist to get me a date. I'll admit, at first it wasn't going to well. She was going to surprise me, but, because of circumstances, she had to spill the beans and tell me what she was up to. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that I have a friend that cares about ME that much. To go to that much trouble to place an ad and respond to the replies and "screen" them all. My hat goes off to her. But, the first weekend that I was going to meet the first person that responded, there was an email problem and the girl didn't get the message saying when and where. So, no date that weekend. Then the next weekend, there was a change of plans on Thursday night. So, two weekends in a row that I was expecting to have a date, I didn't have one. So, weekend number three rolls around. My friend lets me know that she has accidentally overbooked me. I have 2 dates for Saturday night. Uh-Oh! OK, not really. I meet my first date at the British Rose. She is more than I could have wished for. Right from the beginning, I'm completely at ease. Maybe I've spent so many years of my life fretting about making a mistake or saying something stupid on any dates I had, it is time that I've outgrown it. This date just seemed like 2 old friends sitting down and catching up. We "clicked" on so many levels it was just strange. But, strange in a really good way. By the time she had to leave, my face was hurting from so much smiling and laughing. So, shortly after she leaves, my friend shows up and she has my 2nd date with her. They had went to my buddies comedy show first. So, it actually worked out really, really well. No overlapping dates. And, to be truthful, the 2nd date did know I had a first date and that she might have still been there when they showed up. Another good thing, in my eyes, is that the 2nd date is NOT someone that I wish to persue anything with. I don't feel we "clicked" at all. So, I have NO conflict with who I wish to ask out for a 2nd date.

So, in a nutshell, I am on top of the world right now!

Life still sucks




Yep, my life still sucks. It really doesn't matter what I do or when I do it, nothing seems to go right. Specifically with women. Why is it that I can't even get a date? I answer ads on Craigslist, i post ads on Craigslist. I go out on Saturday nights. I go out some Wednesday nights. I go out some Friday nights. I went out this past Sunday night. I am coming to the realization that it IS me. I am flawed. I am flawed to the point of being completely unacceptable to women. My body is not good. My face is not good. My personality is not good. I don't know what I can possibly do except become a completely different person. Of course, that isn't possible. So, knowing that it is impossible to become someone that can find happiness, what are my other choices? I could just live being unhappy the rest of my life. Who wants to continue living knowing that every day they will be unhappy? So, we can rule that out. So, what else is there? If you can't live with the misery.... maybe it is time to end it all. When you are dead, you are not unhappy. Hmmmm, when you are dead you a NOT unhappy....

Just a lonely Friday night



Yep, here I am, sitting home alone on a Friday night. It SUCKS!! It really, really SUCKS!!!! I took today off of work (vacation day). I have a 4 day weekend. And I won't have a single chance to meet anyone I can possibly date. Zero chances. The only plans I have are for Saturday night. I have a ticket to go to the Def Leppard, Styx & Foreigner concert. That is going to be a good time. But that is my only plans all 4 days. I'm really getting sick of this complete lack of a life that I have. Maybe if I hit the lotto I could buy me a life. I know I could buy friends. People that would make me the center of their lives as long as I was paying for everything. I could handle that. Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. That is a really sad thought however. I need to win the lotto to find happiness. Maybe I should hold my breath???

I know, don't freak out...



Yep, postings two days in a row. Who would a thunk it? I don't really have anything new to report. Just went to work today. It wasn't too busy today. Came home and I watched Police Academy 4. I have the box sex of all 7. So, I'm working my way through them. Just watching some shows on Court TV now. Bait Car. I had never heard of it before. Funny to see the complete dumb-asses stealing these cars then telling stories about how they did nothing wrong. Yep, criminals are such dumb-asses.

I think tonight I'm actually going to get to bed earlier than normal. I've been up late almost every night lately. And for no good reasons. Tonight, I may be upstairs in bed around 10. I'm sure it is directly related to my staying up late, but, I've been so tired all the time lately. Of course it could also be my poor diet and my complete lack of exercise. Doesn't really matter, I figure it is just a matter of time before my health lets me die in my sleep. At least that is the plan. LOL. I won't have to deal with my constant loneliness if I can just die in my sleep. Of course I probably won't get that lucky. I can only hope.

Is this thing still on??




Ya know, I really like getting feedback. But, I also hope that none of my friends still read this. My friends all think that they can read my stuff and see how much my life sucks and they can say "There, there, it will be OK". Well, it WON'T be OK. It is never going to be OK. MY LIFE SUCKS!! I'm one of those people that is destined to be sad and lonely until my stupid little life ends. And none of my friends can accept that fact. Hell, they can't even believe it. If only they could actually spend some time in my skin. A sane person would totally crack from the loneliness I endure on a daily basis.

I had a "boys night out" with 3 of my friends a couple weekends ago. I did have a really good time. I was the oldest one of the group, yet, I was the only one that isn't married. And all these guys had these stories from their pasts to tell about their sexual conquests. And what was I going to contribute? How many times I jacked off the past week? Woo-Hoo, real excitement there!! Or, I could talk about the last time I actually did have sex. Of course, since it was about a year and a half ago, I don't think it would sound like I was bragging or anything. I can hear it now "Really, it has been that long???". Yep, how pathetic! And what makes it worse, I haven't even had a date since then. I can't even seem interesting enough for a female to sit across a table from me, have her dinner paid for, and have a conversation with me for a couple hours. I've got to be in the top 1% of losers on the planet.

A couple weeks ago on a Wednesday night, I met a couple friends for karaoke. Another girl showed up that we had known from when I just started singing. We hadn't seen her in awhile. She is the kind of girl that I could see myself dating easily. Only problem, even in my wildest fantasies, I can't see her scraping the bottom of the barrel to actually want to date me. And what made things worse, I had a crush on her before and it came rushing back to the surface. It was kind of like having my face rubbed in what I cannot have. Oh Gabby, why did you show up that Wednesday night???

Ho Hum.....




Wednesday. Wouldn't be so bad if I was actually looking forward to anything. Or, if I was coming off a really good weekend. OK, last weekend was actually pretty good. I didn't do anything Friday night (DVD's). Saturday night I met my comedian buddy and his girlfriend at a new place. The karaoke DJ from Ben's has a new Saturday night gig. Unfortunately, it is only being a DJ, NOT doing karaoke. I had one rum & Coke and then was told they were out of house rum. OK, I'm not dishing out more money because THEY ran out of something. So, my evening was really cheap. I had water the rest of the night. And that actually worked out really well. There wasn't anyone in the place that I felt would have even given me a second look. So, I wasn't going to be hitting on anyone. The good part of the weekend was Sunday night. My photographer buddy and I went to a concert. He had a ticket for his wife, but, she decided she didn't want to go at the last minute. And that was fine by me. She seems to have an extreme dislike of all of her hubby's friends. So, I had a better time without her presence. We saw Veins of Jenna (I know, WHO THE FUCK?), Ratt & Poison. I love seeing Poison, they always put on a hell of a show. First time I'd seen Ratt. They were OK. So, Sunday was pretty enjoyable.

Now, I didn't go out last night. I really don't know about tonight. I'm sure I won't get a call from comedian buddy. So, I have a choice. I can stay home (DVD's) or go to Fox & Hound for karaoke. I haven't been to karaoke on a Wednesday night in a couple weeks. In fact, I haven't been to ANY karaoke in a couple weeks. The last 2 weekends, no karaoke. Didn't go out during the week this week (yet) and didn't go out during the week last week. I think it was the Tuesday before last week that is the last time we did karaoke. I am going to our normal 2nd Friday of each month karaoke. It will be the first Friday night I've gone out in a few weeks. Then, really don't know what we will do Saturday night, if anything. The worst thing about not going out as often lately is that my chances to meet people is greatly diminished. I have been posting ads on Craigslist, but, I'm not having any luck with that. I get 1 or 2 responses with each posting. Emails will bounce back and forth a couple times, then NOTHING. Usually they stop emailing me once I send a picture. Sometimes they ditch me before I can even do that. I'm almost ready to give up on Craigslist.

Well, enough of the "This is your sucky life" update. Take care.